Want to be self-assured? Have the fortitude to learn a challenging new skill? Build a solid reputation with a new team? Learn to trust other people? It all starts with building confidence!
In this confidence series, I’ll be offering you actions you can take right now to…
- Boost your self-confidence (lesson 1 – keep reading below)
- Increase confidence other people have in you (lesson 2)
- Increase confidence you have in other people (lesson 3)
You have the most control over building your own self-confidence, whereas building confidence within a team setting (lessons 2 and 3) takes a bit more finesse. That’s why this first lesson is all about learning how to boost your self-confidence.
Disclaimer: I’m an engineer, not a therapist. I’ve based this article on my own experiences boosting my self-confidence and those that I’ve mentored over the years. I recommend talking to a professional (therapist, counselor, psychologist) about anxiety, depression, etc. If you’re in college right now, your school might even offer free therapy sessions. Similarly, if you’re an employee, your work may offer support via an employee assistance program. I can’t emphasize this enough – don’t be afraid (or too stubborn) to ask for help.
What does the word confidence really mean?
Confidence comes from the Latin word “confidere” which means “have full trust.” Today, the Oxford dictionary defines confidence as “the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust.”
You don’t need to be fearless to be confident. You don’t need to be perfect. And you don’t need to have all the answers. Confidence is about believing in yourself or someone else. It’s about trust, reliability, and dependability.
Actions to boost your self-confidence
If you lack self-confidence, your own doubt will hold you back from being the amazing person you can be. Whether you’re trying to overcome a fear like public speaking, you want to be more assertive, or you want to conquer that self-doubt, these confidence-boosting actions are for you!
Before we dig into these self-confidence-boosting actions, make sure you’re taking time to take care of yourself. This includes a healthy diet, exercise, good quality sleep, etc. It’s amazing how much I doubt myself when I’m sleepy or how much my self-esteem plummets coming down from a sugar-high! Since I’m not a health care professional, I’ll leave those tips to the experts, like this article from Psychology Today.
1. Stay in the present
To bolster your confidence it helps to stay in the here-and-now. It’s hard to be confident if you’re regretting the past or if you’re anxious about the future.
Take a few moments every day to accept where you are right now. Don’t blame yourself. Don’t blame others. You may have very valid reasons to be pointing fingers, but is that going to help you right now? Probably not. So, take a deep breath and focus on this moment. Stop wishing for different circumstances. Don’t compare your life to the ones you see on Instagram. Recognize and accept where you are today. Once you have that solid foundation, then you can start taking action to improve yourself or your circumstances (if you want to!).
As someone who tends to “live in the future”, I need to constantly remind myself to come back to the present moment. While my future-looking brain helps me plan and strategize, it often leads to unnecessary “what if” thoughts that destroy my confidence. Or, I’ll get so excited about the prospect of a new project, that it’s all I’ll think about. While it’s awesome to be excited by a project, my confidence starts to plummet if I think about it too much and I get into “over-analyzing it” territory. That’s when I start second-guessing myself and it’ll even affect my sleep (hello annoying stress dreams).
I have to periodically force myself to get back in the present moment. Sometimes, I’ll take 20 minutes to talk to a friend while walking around the neighborhood. Other times, I’ll disconnect from my computer and clean the house or practice handstands (my current fitness goal). Bonus tip: just physically changing your posture can make you feel more confident, at least temporarily!
Struggling to stay present?
Google search “mindfulness” to find techniques to help you live in the here and now. There are hundreds of mindfulness activities out there! Try a couple and find what resonates with you. Simply stopping for a minute to take a few deep breaths can help you stay grounded in the present moment. That simple act calms my nerves before giving a presentation and gives me a little boost of confidence.
Personally, a daily morning at-home yoga practice has helped me to become more present, accepting, and calm (and healthy). I recommend Yoga with Adriene’s YouTube channel if you want to get started with your own daily yoga practice. You don’t need to have any past yoga experience and it’s completely free.
2. Squash that negative self-talk
As we defined above, being self-confident means you need to believe in yourself. So, to boost your self-confidence, you need to get rid of that nagging, lying voice in your head telling you that you’re not good enough, that you can’t do it.
Strive to shift your inner dialogue from a defeatist attitude (I can’t do this or I’m not good enough for that) to a more constructive attitude. Even just modifying your dialog slightly will shift your mindset (I can’t do this yet or I’m not ready for this today). That small mindset shift will open up a world of possibilities. A world where you believe you can do anything, even if you can’t do it today.
In my own life, it takes a lot of constant reminders and positive habits to stop internalizing my own fears and doubts. My anxiety feeds more anxiety until all of a sudden I’m paralyzed into inaction and I hide myself from the world with an epic novel to escape from reality. And while that’s not necessarily a bad thing every once in a blue moon, I’ll get nowhere if do that every time my negative self-talk gets out of hand!
It turns out there are many different types of negative self-talk and various techniques to wrangle each one. Here’s one article from a psychologist that digs into this more.
What techniques do I use?
Right now, I have a journal where I write down all my anxious thoughts, fears, limiting beliefs, and crazy what-ifs. I write it all down, no matter how outrageous, embarrassing, or untrue. As I write down those limiting feelings, I ask myself why. Why am I feeling this emotion? Why do I think this? It might sound ridiculous, but I’m completely serious. Getting all those thoughts down on paper not only helps me clear my mind but also gives me a new perspective, which helps squash my fears.
I’ll even replace some of those negative thoughts with positive affirmations in my weekly planner where I can see them every day. For example, this week my affirmations are simple: “I am strong. I am focused. I am confident.” It can seem silly to do, but writing those affirmations down in my planner and repeating them each morning makes me believe I am strong, focused, and confident.
Remember, believing in yourself is self-confidence!
3. Visualize your “why”
Why do you want to be self-confident? Visualize what you could do if you had all the confidence in the world. How will being self-confident help you become successful? How would it make you feel? Will it help you achieve happiness?
The simple act of visualization can actually make you feel more confident. To make this exercise the most effective, visualize as many details as possible. What are you doing? Who are you with? What are you wearing? Where are you? What are you feeling?
As a bonus, all those positive thoughts can also motivate you to take action, which brings me to my next tip…
4. Take small, consistent steps forward
If you want to boost your self-confidence, you need to prove to yourself that you’re willing to show up every day. That you can rely on yourself. That you can trust yourself. You do this by taking action consistently. These actions don’t need to be big, but they need to be consistent. In other words, work on building daily or weekly habits that support your dreams.
Forget about perfectionism, especially when you’re learning a new skill. The key is practice and repetition. Remember that imperfections and failures are part of the journey to success. The only time you truly fail is when you don’t bother to learn from your mistakes or you decide to completely give up.
Define your daily habits
What area in your life do you want to have more confidence in? What daily or weekly habits could help you build that confidence?
Example: Want to have the courage to be a good public speaker? You need to consistently practice speaking. Read a book out loud for 10 minutes a day to practice pronouncing words. Write a 5-minute speech each week and practice it with a friend. Sign up for outreach events where you’ll put that public speaking in action (and help your community at the same time). You’ll gain more confidence the more you practice. Additionally, you can create a regular habit of listening to great speakers and researching ways to emulate those speakers.
Even though I was an astronaut instructor for several years and I’ve given countless presentations to audiences of all sizes, public speaking still makes me nervous. Like really nervous. My stomach cramps up, I get shaky, and I start to sweat (talk about embarrassing). But, my self-confidence in public speaking has greatly improved over the years due to practice. I’m far from being a great orator, but at least I no longer freeze like a deer in headlights (yes, that actually happened to me in front of hundreds of people). Over time, I’ve even learned what outfits hide my nervous sweating from my audience so that I feel more confident when speaking in public. 🙂
5. Recognize your progress
And finally, make sure you take the time to look back on your progress. When you start to see results, you’ll naturally gain more confidence.
Let’s face it though, sometimes we don’t see results as often as we’d like, especially when we’re working towards really big goals. Some results are unmistakable (like passing a test). Whereas other results take a bit more effort to notice. So, find some metrics, markers, or other comparisons to help make those results more obvious, such as the following:
- Track your habits. The simple act of seeing how many times a week you’ve completed your habits can boost your self-confidence! Track your habits on paper or use a habit-tracking app. I track my most important habits on my weekly planner. I also use the Habitica app to build new habits and to track existing ones. Habitica gamifies habit tracking and connects you with others who are also trying to build positive habits.
- Take pictures or videos. This is a great marker for physical changes, like handstand progressions or improvements in public speaking. The trick is not to get embarrassed over your “before” pictures/videos (remember step #2 above)!
- Review your work. Look back on old papers you wrote, older work assignments, etc. How has your work improved over time? This can be a great indication of increased proficiency and knowledge.
- Review your time savings. Can you complete tasks more quickly than you did before?
- Ask for input. Talk to someone who’s worked closely with you and ask for their constructive feedback… just be ready for the good comments and the still-room-for-improvement comments. More on this in lesson 2.
Don’t forget to take some time to celebrate. You’re allowed to be proud of your accomplishments, both big and small!
Go forth and be confident!
What actions are you going to take today to help boost your self-confidence? You’ve got this!